Struggling with formal practice.

[Rainbow]

Hello there
So I've recently finished an eight week mindfulness for youth course through Headspace which is a youth mental health service here in aus. My psych referred me to the program as she felt it may benefit me. We have a booster session in three weeks to see how we are all going with it.

At first I found it all a bit bizarre but as I got into the course I started to enjoy it. We were encourage to write things down about our practice each day. And if we wanted we could feed back to the group the following week. But now my booklet is full I've stopped writing about it. Maybe I need a new notepad or something/I should blog somewhere?

Now I don't have group each week I'm kinda struggling to keep focused on it. I much prefer informal practice. (I do a lot of cleaning and walking so I fit it in then) last session at group we did two laps of the oval, barefoot of mindful walking and it was amazing. I walk a lot with my dog and have managed to do a lot of the walk mindfully.

Formal practice I'm struggling with. I hear voices (as well as struggling with depression, anxiety and some unhelpful coping strategies) and find it really hard to be mindful when 'he' kicks off. I was to scared to mention this within the group as I didn't want them knowing about the voices, and by the end of the session I was a bit nervous to stick around and speak to Matt and Chrissy who ran the group. Now I can do it. I can practice formally. I feel I've 'achieved' it a handful of times. The voices are pretty intense lately, so I'm not sure what to do. Does anybody have any experience in this? Or have any tips in general?

Maybe I should bring it up in the booster session? I am seeing my psych the same day as the booster session so maybe I could mention it to her to and she could pass it on to matt & Chrissy...(it's all the same organisation)

Hope you are all well.
X

Edited to add: (instead of making another thread)
Do you have any idea how I could find a group in my area, I think joining a mindfulness group may be beneficial. Matt did mention it in the last session of group. And I googled but couldn't find anything. He mentioned that a lot of Buddhist places offer mindfulness drop in/groups. But I couldn't find anything online.

[JonW]

Hello Rainbow. And welcome to the community. Please make yourself at home here and feel free to ask any questions that arise.
To one degree or another, we all hear voices. It's the sound of our minds on autopilot, babbling away endlessly. Neuroscientists estimate that the average person has 64,000 thoughts a day. The vast majority of those thoughts will be negative for many of us.
This is one of the issues that mindfulness addresses directly, by teaching us to notice our thoughts, with compassion, without getting attached to them.
However, it takes time for mindfulness to work its magic. Patience is the watchword here. Sooner or later it does sink in that our thoughts (to quote Jon Kabat-Zinn) are merely secretions of the mind. They're not facts. In reality they have no more power than a soap bubble.
In terms of formal meditation, have you tried using guided meditations? It might prove easier for you if you meditate with a guide. There are tons of wonderful guided meditations available online and for free. Please holler if you would like some recommendations.
As for groups...if there are none in your area, you might want to follow my lead and set up your own mindfulness group. I've been running a meet-up group here in Brighton, UK, for a few months and we have 56 members now. Our next picnic is in a fortnight. It's a good way to meet like-minded folk and to have a ready-made community that you can discuss things with.
I set up my own group through: http://www.meetup.com
I think it's a global operation. Very easy to set up a group. There's a monthly charge of a few pounds to keep it running. Highly recommended.
In the meantime, we're a very friendly bunch here at Everyday Mindfulness and will do our very best to help you with any enquiries you might have.
All good things, Jon

[Gareth]

Hi Rainbow lovely to meet you.

What is it that makes you apprehensive about the formal meditation? Remember that the voices are allowed. In meditation we are merely observing, and when we notice that the attention is elsewhere e.g. the voices, then we bring it back. Does meditation make the voices worse, or just more noticeable to you? If they are made worse then I really think you need to speak to your doctor about this.

I would be really surprised if mindfulness didn't help you, at least in some small ways. But like Jon says, the benefits take time and continued practice to seep in. This is not to denigrate informal practice which is very important too.

I wish you all the best and we will do our very best to help you here.

[Rainbow]

Tha you both for your replies
I have been using guided meditations, I searched the App Store, as well as the MARC website. I find it easier with a guide so am sticking with the guide for now. In the last session of the group we did unguided and I found that really difficult. (Because of the voices)

I'm trying so hard with it. - at first what made me anxious was I was worried I was doing it 'wrong' and it all felt abnormal and out of the ordinary, I mean. It's something completely new to me, and it made me panick.

The voices. I hear two different types (if I'm not allowed to share feel free to remove) I hear a man, and it's just like there's a person in the room when he speaks. And I also hear a muffled chatter, kinda like when your in a room full of people and everyone's talking but it just sounds like noise, but that sounds like its in my head. The mans the problem one. He's intense, I hear him daily he can go on for ages. When I practice he kicks of, he doesn't shh. I try so hard to just acknowledge him, and carry on. he's almost abusive in the things he says, and he gets very loud. (Gosh I'm sorry, I must sound crazy )

I've been seeing a psychiatrist re; the voices. She's off at the moment but I definitely will speak to her about it. I really want to stick with it, but right now I'm finding it so hard, as to be honest ill do anything for a quiet life and not to set 'him' off. (Tho he's there most of the time really)

Ooh, I will look on meet up.com, thank you!

Thank you both for your replies. Xo

[Gareth]

I have to profess for having zero experience or advice for practising mindfulness in these circumstances. I know a couple of mindfulness teachers that are members of this forum; I am going to ask them to look at this topic.

[mindfulnessforall]

Hi Rainbow,

Firstly, it's a really positive and brave step to share these experience on a forum. You're definitely not crazy. We all have voices in our heads, namely thinking, but we all experience the inner monologue in different ways.

I'd recommend discussing this with you psychiatrist - worth talking about your experience of mindfulness too. There have already been some good replies on this but I'd say just notice the voices, let them be there if you can and notice where they appear in your body - how do you react to these voices? Is there any tension? Where does it appear? Maybe experiment by breathing in to it. Invite the voices in if you can and allow them to do their thing.

Most importantly, try not to judge your experience a good/bad or success and failure. You are not the voices - just the observer. Be kind to yourself.

I hope that helps.

Andy

[Happy Buddha]

Hi Rainbow/Gareth, i agree with Andy and keep up your one to one with your psychiatrist. If you are going to pursue mindfulness I would let her know and perhaps even stop until she is back. Also if you are going to practice mindfulness find a very experienced teacher you feel comfortable with if possible. be well and wishing you well, Suryacitta

[Rainbow]

Thank you all for your replies.

My psych knows I am doing mindfulness, she and the centre coordinater referred me to the course. I'm going to keep up with my psych, but my care team is soon to change due to her leaving at the end of July. When she's back off leave we are discuss what the plan of action is, and who I'm going to see, if its somebody at headspace, or if I'm going to be referred out elsewhere. I don't think she wants to set me free just yet.

The voices sound as if its somebody in the room, but I get a tension in my head...I don't try to invite him in, tho I have recently started 'talking' to him, weather it be out loud, or in my head. Just asking him to be quiet, asking him why he's so nasty. But it's not really helpful. He just argues. And I get stressed. - I will try to let them do their thing, but I find it hard...as he's so intense.

I may ring and ask for Matt who taught the group, and have a chat with him before my psych gets back, as she's not back for two weeks.

When I practice he is very negative and just loud, and even with a guide I find it hard. I have been trying to bring it back to the breath when I get distracted by him. I will try to breath into the tension and see how that goes. - we started naming feelings in the group, which has kinda stuck with me. And sometimes I finding naming things out loud to be useful. Sometimes I just kinda go 'oh this is liking/not liking' then let it be.

Thanks again everybody for being so kind, helpful and understanding.
Hope you are all well.
Xo

[piedwagtail91]

Hi rainbow,
I found your story quite distressing, it cant be easy living
as you do.
I can't find much on the internet, it seems to be mainly research.
I did find this link.
http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/thread51352.html
I haven't had time to check it out yet but thought it might be of some help.

[Rainbow]

Hi there,
Thank you for your reply I will definitely have a look at the link.

Sorry for not being around, I have been having a break of my 'online' things.

I have been getting progressively worse and have found keeping up with my practice extremely exstremly hard. So have stopped for now. My psychiatrist recently left and I'm meeting with a new psych on Tuesday for a second opinion, Kate (psych) and Chloe (youth worker) feel voices have changed. (They are right, I completely agree, I'm finding it very hard to figure what's real and what isn't) Kate thinks a 'psychotic illness' is 'brewing' hence the second opinion on Tuesday.

I feel ready to try the mindfulness again, I think I'm going to buy a new note pad to write things down about practice...at least then ill have some routine and reminder to practice.

I'm totally out of it lately. But I feel ready to try again.