So near and so very far

[piedwagtail91]

That's fantastic. I'm really pleased for you.
Don't be so hard about your food. You're doing great. Things will change slowly at first.
You've done really well.
Mick

[JonW]

I'm with Mick on this in terms of putting mindfulness first for a while and seeing if the rest follows.
If you manage to ground yourself in mindfulness and develop a regular structured practice, there's every chance that other issues (food, for example) will naturally change - or you will change in relation to them.
I might be wrong here but my hunch is that your mindfulness practice hasn't had a chance to properly bed down.
That's not a big problem. In fact, it can be easily remedied.
You clearly have a passion for mindfulness and that commitment will serve you well in the long run.
Cheers,
Jon

[GirlcalledGed]

Thank you that feedback is really good to read. I always thought that being happy with my body and eating habits was the key to happiness and the source of all my problems. I obsessed over it daily. I have lost significant amounts of weight on a few occasions but never quite reached my goal. Then put it all back on and more and the obsession would continue. The message constantly heard from society is that I was right. The 'eating less' stuff I did before finding mindfulness opened my eyes so much and changed my perspective completely. I lost a load of weight again....but have been putting it back on....again

So yes I agree. But scared of how much weight I might gain/ how unhealthy I might feel/ what habits I might pass on to my son etc etc etc but they're just thoughts I guess

Thanks again

[piedwagtail91]

You're right , they are thoughts. They'll probably be there for a long time.
But they're not facts.
Don't worry about the future, stay as much as you can in the present.
If you can get back into a mindful and more compassionate way of relating to yourself you won't have to try to lose weight it'll just happen.
Chances are you won't put it back on.
I saw that happen with one participant on a mindfulness course. That person lost quite a lot over 12 months just by being mindful.
If you weren't struggling a bit with self compassion is suggest kristin neffs compassionate body scan which helps you accept yourself just as you are.
Acceptance brings peace, peace means you don't give yourself a hard time.

You're doing great.
Keep in touch.
Mick

[GirlcalledGed]

There is a problem separating eating and self compassion. Eating lots of junk makes self compassion difficult. It's like self harm. I eat as much junk as I can manage, thinking 'no judgement, it's my choice'. But it's impossible to love myself. Last night I was awake for hours loathing myself. Not having thoughts. Just aware of this horrible dark self loathing constantly dragged around. Images of all my social mistakes made throughout the day coming to mind. Not the food so much. Just scared about everything I have done wrong (I have social anxiety too).

Am exhausted now but up with a toddler. The self loathing is still very present. I did a 45 minute body scan yesterday..,mistaking hoping it would have the same impact as the 45 minute meditation a few days before and would feel good and sleep well. Neither of which happened

[JonW]

"I did a 45 minute body scan yesterday..,mistaking hoping it would have the same impact as the 45 minute meditation a few days before and would feel good and sleep well."

That's the easiest trap to fall into - believing that a meditation is going to make us feel a certain way. It rarely does. As soon as that expectation creeps in, you can pretty much rely on disappointment to follow.
What meditation is really about is being with what is, inviting ourselves to sit and be with what has already arrived. It's recognising the difference between the way things are and the way we think they ought to be.
So much of our anxiety is caused by a desire to be with our ideas about the world ("I should be happy, life should be different, I don't deserve to feel this way") rather than seeing and accepting what is actually happening in this moment. However much we tell ourselves that the present moment is unbearable, it's not true. The present moment has already arrived and we're already coping with it. It's our ideas about the next moment that cause all the trouble.
Mindfulness takes time and it takes enormous patience. But it's worth it.
Jon

[Charlynch2]

I have a related question on expectations.

I understand that by approaching everyday mindfulness with an expectation that it will make us feel a certain way, we inevitably set ourselves up for disappointment. And so the implication is that we should let go of our expectations as we seek mindfulness.

But in trying to let go of expectation, does that not, in itself, create an expectation, that we might be able to let go of those expectations around our practice?

[JonW]

'But in trying to let go of expectation, does that not, in itself, create an expectation, that we might be able to let go of those expectations around our practice?'

Try thinking about it more as a mindful intention not to get attached to outcome.
Cheers,
Jon