I am the antithesis of mindfulness

[omegahelix]

I speak without thinking about how it will make me look or how it will make the other person feel. I drive for long distances without paying attention to where I'm going...if I need to take an exit that I don't normally take I will invariably miss it, even though I tell myself, "now don't forget to take that exit". I place personal things down and completely forget where I placed them because I'm not mindful of where I put them. I get easily frustrated and angry when things don't go my way and I break my property and injure myself when I lash out. I very often walk into rooms with no idea of why I did so. At work I quickly forget things I have worked on and can't keep much in my working memory anymore. When I meditate, my mind spends 90% of the time on things other than my object of focus (usually the breath). I'm often selfish and inconsiderate. I can't get myself to meditate even though I know how helpful it would be (though I'm trying to do it again for 8 weeks every day no matter what). I have so much work to do.

[Peter]

Thanks for your honest statement, Helix. What was the reason you posted it, if I may ask?
Peter

[omegahelix]

Hi Peter. I thought it might be helpful for others like me that struggle with being mindful. Also any advice and comeraderie are welcome. Is this not the appropriate forum? Thanks.

[Peter]

Sure it is appropriate, Helix. I was just wondering. Maybe you could describe what your mindfulness-history is like, and what currently looks like.
Peter

[omegahelix]

I got interested in Buddhism in college (circa 2000) when my best friend became an evangelical Christian. Buddhism just resonated with me, the parts about attachment and mindfulness especially. I read a good deal about it and attended a Zen Sangha for a little bit, practicing mindfulness during the meditations (as opposed to Zen). I really started to feel more peace and kindness in my life at that time and I really would like to have it back though I now have a family with young children and long periods of introspection, solitude and peace are non-existent. At that time I was meditating for 45 mins per day most days. I tried out a Zen Center near where I now live but it was in a Unitarian church and wasn't the same as the dedicated Zen house I went to in the past. I have tried to rekindle a meditation practice at night after the kids go to bed but haven't been able to keep it up for more than a week or two. I think that is due to feeling like I'm not making progress (feeling more peaceful and loving and mindful). As I mentioned, my mind wanders a great deal during mediation and that contributes to me feeling like I'm not making progress. At what point are you not meditating but rather just sitting there thinking about things? I find the breath to be a pretty boring thing to try to focus on so maybe finding something else would help. Right now I'm one week into a promise to myself to meditate for 20 mins every day for 8 weeks. I'm hoping that by sticking with it for that long I will start to see some results and be motivated to continue. I know per our discussion in another thread that having a goal and "striving" can be counterproductive but I really do believe that we should see some positive results from our efforts at some point, otherwise what's the point? If something is not working then maybe some other thing should be tried.

[Peter]

Thanks for your story Helix!
I think you should redefine your goals. You want to be more peaceful and loving. But I think it is unwise to have these as your goals. You want things to be different, that is the opposite of what mindfulness is about. These things you want are by-products of the practice, not something you work at directly. A wise goal, in my opinion, would be to get a better understanding of how you, your mind and your body operate. The rest follows by itself. To give you an example, even when I feel a lot of anxiety, I don't want to feel differently, I see it as an opportunity to examine myself; to notice how my body, and mind react to it. I feel the adrenaline rush through my body. I feel how my limbs get heavy because of it, how my breathing becomes more shallow, I notice my mind pulling, etc.
Because of that, I hardly every feel a lot of anxiety anymore. You see; It works the other way around? In the end it is about acceptance. That's what gives the peace. But you can't have conditional acceptance. You can't fool yourself.
If you PM me your email address, I can maybe get you on your way.
Peter

[Happyogababe]

Helix, I really hope that you develop a regular practice. It is difficult when you have other things going on in life. I have been working with the eight week course books, the first by Mark Williams (Finding peace in a frantic world) and the other by Vidyamala Burch which is for pain and fatigue and chronic illness. You are in very good hands with Peter and the guys here on the forum, they've helped me lots. Good luck.

Peter, I hear what you are saying about the anxiety. I'm slowly seeing some improvements with it myself, though still some way to go. Sometimes I can slip back into fighting it rather than curiously accepting it. Oftentimes I'll become aware of this and that's an achievement in itself. The more I practice the more things happen naturally, though I still have difficult and challenging spells.

Have a good day.

[Peter]

Thanks for your insights, Happy! At some point one becomes aware that fighting it is just senseless, and you'll give it up all together. We notice that our bodies and minds work a lot more autonomous (ergo we have less control) than we like to think. We can influence it indirectly though. We'll make things worse by not accepting, and we'll make things better by accepting. It's like when a sandstorm is about to hit you, you can choose to fight it, but the smart thing to do is to just duck and let it sweep over you.
Peter

[Happyogababe]

Thanks for your insights, Happy! At some point one becomes aware that fighting it is just senseless, and you'll give it up all together. We notice that our bodies and minds work a lot more autonomous (ergo we have less control) than we like to think. We can influence it indirectly though. We'll make things worse by not accepting, and we'll make things better by accepting. It's like when a sandstorm is about to hit you, you can choose to fight it, but the smart thing to do is to just duck and let it sweep over you.
Peter

Im going practice ducking and allowing it to sweep over me I like that. One day, in the future, I'm sure I'll give up trying to fight it. I'm definitely much better than I used to be at accepting.

[omegahelix]

Hi happy, thanks for the thoughts. I too have struggled with anxiety for many, many years. I was diagnosed with panic disorder back in, oh, something like 1997. It is a constant background in my life though medication has been helpful. It's manageable most of the time until some terrible thing happens in the world and I get all panicky and obsessed over it. Right now my demons are stress, anger and frustration. Having young kids in the house has been a joy but also very difficult.