To cut a long story short, my almost 2 year old nephew was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia at the start of the month. We are a very close family and it has hit us all pretty hard. When I got the news my initial reaction was to put all my effort into helping my family deal, and that was probably at the expense of my own need. While they are now doing much better, I stalled in my recovery.
I have seen a counselor, and will be seeing her again because she is really helpful. But I needed something to help me between sessions and I found out about mindfulness.
I bought a book based on many recommendations: 'Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World'. Just reading the first few chapter were a real insight to how the mind works and I could relate to exactly every word. It made me feel so much better about myself. I am starting the first chapter of exercises and how found them interesting if not a little strange at times. What I have found really helps is the 'Mindfulness of the Body and Breath' exercise. The only problem with the book is no feedback channel to let you know that what you are doing is right.
I was surprised during the first meditation. I have never put any stock into it in the past, and wasn't sure if it would even do anything, but I thought I would give it a try as my life had become so miserable all of sudden. I was fascinated by what I could feel going on in each part of my body, all the little tingles, the fabrics on my skin, etc.
I never realised before that I can feel my heart beating in my feet!
The practice said I should do it for 8 minutes, but I could go on longer if wanted. I didn't want to stop, it was so interesting to me. As I felt like it was time to stop (I did this during a lunch break at work), I felt a warm fuzzy feeling in my whole body which seem to be drawn in to my chest, which then burst out like what I can only describe as a 'Joy bomb'. I actually felt the urge to chuckle for seemed like no reason to me.
Since then I am trying to make time to do it twice a day, but I may continue to do it at work too.
Another experience I have had is almost the same but in complete reverse. I feel not so much of an explosion, but just an accumulation of worry and fear which stays with me when I complete the exercise and makes my day a whole lot harder.
Another time I completed and was highly sexually aroused, and another time I just wanted to cry. I have always thought of crying as a sign of weakness and will hold it back at all cost.
My own interpretation is that these are sort of 'locked up' emotions that I have been suppressing and the meditation is letting them out so that I can deal with them and let them go, but I am no expert so I am trying to find out what others think.
Do my meditation experiences sound positive, negative, about normal?
I know everybody is likely to react differently, but I just wanted to know if it sometimes like this with the highs and lows?
My ending mood has been mostly negative after each practice, but I figure this is because I have mostly negative baggage to deal with. With that said, today is a marked improvement on all days previous. I can still feel that constant hurt, but it seems so much more mild than before, and I can access my negative thoughts without spiraling out of control.
I just hope this improves my sleep. I have no trouble getting to sleep (I am usually exhausted by the end of the day), but I am waking earlier than usual. I used to get 8 hours every night, and now I wake after around 4-5 hours every night. It is hard to do the positive practices when you are so tired.
Sorry to ramble on so much.
