Mon Apr 06, 2015 10:35 pm
Hello Pajko,
I can empathise with feeling alien and difficient and being as unique as I thought I was they clung to.me tenatiously, valiantly resisting all challenges with the word but and a misplaced belief in my own thinking.
For what its worth my present ease of existence was unimaginable before I experienced it and is not possible without the present centred, instinct/sensation based mindful awareness offered by meditation. Meditation was a beginning. I got the real push when my instinctive behaviour outshone any that my conscious, moment to moment, micro mangaged kind had ever produced by applying quiet mind awareness practices to anything and everything. I missed the idea that the brain works quicker and better than I can think when permitted to.
When left alone it continued to surprise and impress me, increasing my faith and further ingraining my belief in the practice.
When I doubt or attempt to dodge I'll read, write or reflect on anything thats positive This helps the motivation to do it (a must) which produces results (some peace of mind) further canning the doubts, improving motivation and so on. An almost self perpetuating pattern of affirmative thinking and behaviour whose initial setup and snowball effect mirror many of those at play in the creation and affirmation of the bad stuff.
I'm also getting much better at being human which helps. When an off day triggers the less than healthy bits of my psyche, or something arises that trys to take priority away from.the basics, rather than give it legs by trying to figure it out, or worse still getting the whip out , I can bring myself back to breath awareness, a skill fostered by meditation.
With a consistently quiet mind I can bypass lots of the programed stuff, letting me live far more instinctively. At some point I came to understand what it was to be comfortable in my own skin and I noticed a surety in myself that although subtle, is unquestioning and has proven to be a bedrock for some of the really good stuff. Its also proved weather resistant over a number of bloody ordinary seasons. Self worth without strings, gold.
Persist, endure, remain open and very importantly, try and remember it all really ain't so serious. The better I feel the less important I look in the bigger picture, a real plus when it comes to finding the lighter side of things.
I am largely free of anger, confusion, anxiety and long periods of sadness, amongst other
things. What has and is replacing.it is beyond words and certainly beyond any prior imagining. Suffice to say I and others are witnessing me develop into one those annoyingly confident, calm, unaccountably positive, genial, capable, consistent, take it all in there stride with no sweat types. The feelings and behaviours associated with those traits are coming as naturally and instinctively as the old destructive ones did. It feels completely natural and spontaneous and still raises a slightly incredulous smile when I reflect on it, but the contrast is writ large in so many tangible areas of my life that even with my highly tuned ability at ignoring the obvious I cant miss them.
Simple doesn't equate to easy, but it puts it in reach for most.
Wish I had more for ya but I don't. I can recall that all consuming and painful state of mind, a sort that blinded me from anything but my own torment, was misunderstood by most and saw only black. An earth bound purgarory thin on respite.
Sadly I don't know of any black box answers. I will quote a local dehli owner who, when asked the difference between cheeses, responded with 'same but different'. In other words using simple tools such as meditation and mindfulness will benefit just about anyone, but the nature of the experience and its specific benefits to the individual will vary. She was a switched on lady. Theres more to expecting bugger all than just avoiding disappointment, it clears the feild for lots of good stuff that is easy to miss or dismiss when expectations are king.
David
