1 months progress

[HighFlyingBird]

Hi everyone!
I have just registered after reading lots of posts on here which have given me loads of valuable info, so thanks.
I have been dabbling in meditation for around 6 months now but its only been since 2015 I have decided to meditate every day. I started meditating because I work in quite a stressful business environment and I found myself constantly stressing about things that weren't even happening at that moment; worrying, rehearsing conversations before they occurred, looking into the past and bashing myself for not performing perfectly, but my biggest problem was the constant worrying about what people think of me. It was getting to the stage that when someone came to speak to me in the office, I would go bright red and start sweating because I knew other people in the office were going to hear the conversation and might think I sound nervous, scared , arrogant, boring, annoying...etc. It was causing me to shrink inside myself and try to limit my engagement with the world. I thought: This is rediculous, I need some help here... This is not normal!
It's weird, I know this is all in my head but I cant seem to just relax and let the world happen, I see now that I have been trying to control everything so I don't feel these feelings and avoiding situations where I might feel anxious. A bit of a problem when these situation are part of my job!
Anyway, since I have started meditating, I have felt slightly less concerned about how I am perceived by others and maybe a little more confident but it seems to come and go. However, after only 4 weeks of daily meditation I'm excited at the prospect of possibly building on this in the coming months.

My routine so far has been 30 mins at lunchtime and 20 mins in the evening every day (with a few missed days now and then). During these sessions I just focus on the breath moving in and out at the tip of my nose, aware of thoughts that arise but gently re-focussing back on the breath each time my mind drifts.

My only query is: I have heard that you are supposed to try and investigate these thoughts to gain an understanding of where these arise from and what causes the feelings attached to them. Is this correct? To me it seems contradictory because how can I pay attention to my breath and let thoughts pass but at the same time linger on specific thoughts and analyse them?

Final thought: Last week during a 30 min sit, about 20 mins into the meditation I experienced a few seconds of a really intense joyful feeling accompanied by some bright lights. It was amazing and I just sat there and felt it for maybe 5 seconds before it passed away again. Does this mean anything? It has never happened again since... But I want it to!!!

Thanks, great site by the way. Good to know there are other people out there on the same journey as me.

[Gareth]

Final thought: Last week during a 30 min sit, about 20 mins into the meditation I experienced a few seconds of a really intense joyful feeling accompanied by some bright lights. It was amazing and I just sat there and felt it for maybe 5 seconds before it passed away again. Does this mean anything? It has never happened again since... But I want it to!!!

Yeah, these perfect meditations come around every now and again where everything is perfectly still, and the miracle of life is clear to see.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting that to happen again, as long as you don't get too hung up on that want. There will be many days that your meditation isn't like this at all, where your mind feels really sloppy and all over the place. My experience is that this is just how it is, and it is best in the long run to just let the mind be as it is. I still have crappy days and foul moods, but I have found that mindfulness has raised my baseline mood level and dramatically improved my quality of life.

With regard to investigating thoughts vs. just returning to the breath, maybe just return to the breath for now, acknowledging the thought that you have just had. There is definitely merit in investigating thoughts and trying to ascertain what (if anything) is causing them to arise. Working out what is causing recurring thought patterns has enabled me to make some positive changes in my life, without doubt. It's a tricky thing to do though, so maybe just return to the breath for now, and really get your practice off the ground.

It seems to me like you've made a solid start though. Meditating every single day definitely made a real difference to my practice.

Good luck!

[HighFlyingBird]

Thanks for replying Gareth, I've read quite a few of your posts on here and value your comments immensely!

Yeah, I'm happy to continue just coming back to the breath for now. It makes it a bit simpler than analysing anything at the moment at this early stage. It's good to know that you think I'm doing things effectively and it gives me confidence that I'm on the right path.

I have definitely noticed being a bit more tolerant of little annoyances at home like kids misbehaving, housework needing done etc. I notice that I'm getting angry or frustrated and because I'm now aware of it as just a feeling I can control, i do my best to respond... 'appropriately'. :0)

Thanks again.

[Gareth]

I notice that I'm getting angry or frustrated and because I'm now aware of it as just a feeling I can control, i do my best to respond... 'appropriately'. :0)

This is the very essence of mindfulness, and it's a skill that grows and grows in tiny little increments.

Give yourself lots of compassion too. There will be times when you don't notice the fear or the anger coming and you react to it. I've been meditating for 5 years and still happens to me all the time. Beating yourself up for not being mindful will do you no good at all.