Feeling indifferent

[Pajko]

Hey so 2 months into my practice i have lately felt a fog in my mind, and with it a calm, but not a pleasant calm, its worrying me. This has happend because i have been comparing my experience and saying "this isnt supposed to feel this way", instead of just being. Some kind of attentional suppression has occured and i wonder if anyone has some tips to accepting these sensations. I feel it is very difficult to let go nowadays. Thank you!

[JonW]

Hi Pajko,
Have you tried a body scan recently? That can be a very powerful and effective way of accepting what you are feeling.
All best,
Jon, Hove

[phrs16]

Hi Pajko,

what do you mean by "attentional suppression"?

I can tell you my experience. Mindfulness and getting in touch with our emotions is much more about being able to have this big range of emotional experiences than having some kind of stable continuous happiness or whatever. It is not that mindfulness should produce some "pleasent calm". Kosho Uchiyama says that meditation teach us to see every emotion as the "scenary of our life". So right know this fog in your mind is the scenary of your life.

When we experience negative emotions we want to get rid of them immediately - so it is also normal that you don't want to feel this way! Human beings are like this. Buddhism call it aversion.

But there is no need to worry! Emotions are impermanent. Even after practicing meditation for some long time sometimes there is a whole week when my mind simply doesn't seems to be working fine. And it sucks. And when that happens I wish to get back to the happy-calm-serene hot spot. We don't want to suffer. But it takes time and patience.

The best is to just continue your regular practice. The meditation I practice is shikantaza (just sitting). So you don't meditate to feel better or calm. You just sit and that's it. Whatever you feel, you feel.

And, yes, on the long run you will change your brain plasticity, become more centered, get much better emotional regulation, happier and all the awesome benefits meditation bring!

Hope it helps!

[JonW]

Excellent post, phrs16.
I hope you stick around on this forum. Your contribution to the site is greatly valued.
All good things,
Jon, Hove

[Pajko]

Tank you guys. Yeah i think im trying too hard. What happens then is that i supress emotions and thoughts by telling myself that this isnt how im supposed to feel. Yrah i understand i have to accept the current state of mind. But when i try to be mindfull i just become frustrated and tense because im not mindfull in the right way. I mean sure i can be aware what i feel in a body part or a feeling , but thats it i cant seem to be with whatever arises. Instead i am aware of it but dont accept it somehow. Haha difficult to explain. Perhaps you guys have a different way of explaining this?

[Matt Y]

Hi Pajko,

Certainly, some things are harder to accept than others. I'd suggest that there are more important things to being doing as you meditate than being mindful. Namely, being kind and patient with yourself.

Also, it's often counter-productive to try and accept what you're going through. You often can't just tell yourself to accept something. Instead, see if you can explore these feelings a little. Be curious about them. Investigate their various qualities; sensations in the body, accompanying thoughts. See how these feelings are held together, when they seem to get worse, or more intense, and when they seem to diminish or dissolve. And if it all seems too trying or tiring, or just too much to tolerate, give yourself a break. Don't try so hard to be mindful and accepting of everything. Perhaps work with the feelings of frustration.

[Gareth]

This is how you're supposed to feel. How do you know? Because this is how you're feeling right now.

You've received some great advice above. The practice can be very difficult at times; I hop that you persevere with it.