Everyday Mindfulness

Hello Everyone,

I joined the site yesterday and posted about my recent experiences and challenges dealing with an ever increasing sense of anxiety and foreboding that has been developing within me over the last year.

Recently this sense of anxiety has started to manifest itself physically through impulsive (re)actions I feel I have no control over: paranoia started to creep into my consciousness where before there was a sense of optimism and curiosity. Awkwardness has surfaced within me where before my genial, gentle personality was something I cherished.

I have meditated in some shape or form over the last 5 years however I haven’t been as consistent as I would have hoped. The last 5 to 6 months has seen me lean on my meditation practice more heavily in an attempt to ease some of the darkness that has started to creep in.

Through the perspective the meditation has afforded me I’ve seen that my anxiety develops when the standards and expectations I operate within turn from the empowering, liberating and motivating into the daunting, insurmountable and impossible. Turning the things I love about myself into the things I fear. This change, happens in a moment and I feel is due to the pressure I assign to the future through my own hopes and dreams. These moments then stack-up and the very same hopes and dreams turn into fears and anxieties which then trigger a self-fulfilling prophecy which further reinforces this less than empowering mindset. The result: I lose focus, catastrophise, and get nothing done extending my suffering for longer than its necessary.

Having said all of that, my question to you all is how does everyone balance their hopes, dreams, and desires with the inevitable shadow that follows such ambitions i.e. the fear of not realising them, and despite the obstacles develop a sort of mindful resilience while keeping your “eyes on the prize”. Or is the concept of PEAK SUCCESS and HIGH PERFORMANCE in an outcome obsessed world a contradiction in terms in the context of mindfulness? Should I simply strive to be my best in the moment, and place little hope and ambition towards the future?

Thank you in advance for reading this and I look forward to your thoughts.

Sincerely,
Nomad

Hi Nomad,
I'd say that it's more about being being comfortable in the moment than striving to be one's best in the moment. Mindfulness tends to bring an all-round sense of being more at ease with oneself and the world. Consequently, plans are made from a more relaxed, more considered place.
The prize is realising that everything is OK in the moment if we're not agonising about it.
Self-compassion and non-judgment are key to this.
All best, Jon

I see, thank you Jon: so it would appear that Mindfulness and the Western Mantra of “Strive to Always Be Your Best” are mutually exclusive? This will take some time for me to fully grasp as I have been brought up on a steady diet of bloody minded determination, hard work and focus as the panacea to ease the strains and burdens of modern life.

As such I’ve devoured literature on productivity, and peak performance. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t benefited from this mindset in that it has given my family and I the security we now enjoy, however I wonder as with all things in life, whether the cost of this security is the suffering that accompanies NOT living up to these very high standards.

I read somewhere that mindfulness is about having a relaxed focus on the present. I wonder then if the mindfulness prescription for success is not to shy away from achievement and the various disciplines associated with success (focus, consistency, patience etc) but to be aware of why you have deviated from the path of success and gently, kindly and in a purposeful but non-judgemental way guide yourself back towards the path that leads you towards your hopes, goals, dreams and aspirations.

Is this how one can pursue success in a mindful way? If so, is this sustainable: is there an argument that pain, frustration and disappointment are at times strange but necessary bedfellows in the journey towards success i.e. if there wasn’t an element of discomfort in attaining something you simply did not reach far or high enough in your endeavours. This goes against the very concept of mindfulness but lies at the heart of quite a lot of success literature.

The funny thing is that I have never been more productive or efficient than since I started meditating.

Planning for the future is great, but you can only actually get stuff done in the present moment.

When you need to get something done, the ability to pull your mind back from random thoughts and daydreams is a remarkable skill to have. There's no wonder that some of the big companies are trying to roll this out to their employees.

hi nomad
it's a bit like giving up on perfectionism but still try to do an 'excellent'
there's a big difference because doing your best or going for excellent doesn't involve all the constant striving to attain the impossible involved in trying to be or achieve perfection which in turn prevents you living and enjoying 'the moment' just as it is.
acceptance plays a big part, acceptance that even doing your best may not get you what you want.
acceptance doesn't mean giving up, it just frees you from the downside of striving, which can be constant anxiety and it allows you to see more clearly and get on with your life, hopefully a much more pleasant life.
you can still have goals and aims in life but they don't involve the same do or die attitude attached to them.
the journey becomes more important than the destination.
let go of striving if you can and allow things to unfold in their own time.

This is a wonderful conversation.
I would whole-heartedly agree with Gareth in saying that I have never been more productive or efficient than since I started meditating. Life is infinitely more manageable.
Success, of course, is a relative concept.
I'm a journalist. I interview people for a living.
When I interview people who have been around for some time (e.g. Smokey Robinson), they often say the same thing: "The one thing I regret is that I was too busy getting to the next thing to actually experience properly what was going on."
Their lives are a blur. They're successful and often dizzyingly brilliant, but they rarely appreciate the moment that they are in. So they miss pretty much everything.
One's "best" is a concept, fundamentally. If you're always striving for your best, then nothing is ever going to be good enough and peace of mind may always be elusive. There will always be a better "best". Meanwhile, the precious moment, all that we are, is gone.
"Security" is also a relative term. Of course, we want our loved ones to be comfortable, secure. Quite often, the ones we love don't feel so secure or so loved because we're out there striving to make things better and better, and we're not spending enough time and energy in loving ourselves and those closest to us. We spend too much time in our own heads. There's a whole universe out there, if only we are able to take pause and relish it in the moment by moment. When you stop, pause, look, listen, it's so beautiful. In the moment, which is the only moment we have, the only moment we can be sure about, there is no fear if we can only realise that.
Mindfulness is not about striving for success. It's the opposite of self-help. But, paradoxically, it does help in terms of making us feel safe within ourselves, more loving towards others, and it does seem to painlessly rewire our brains so that we have a far healthier attitude towards ideas of ambition and success.
In short, mindfulness does seem to (almost accidentally) lead us to a better and more intimate place.
Nomad, please stick around this forum. Your contributions are most welcome.
Gareth has created a wonderful thing here. We are now a self-supportive, non-profit mindfulness community. There is nothing else like it in the known world. Like any community, the strength of it is entirely dependent upon the commitment of its members. Let's all pitch in and make our world a better place. In a non-striving, compassionate way!
All good things, Jon

“it's a bit like giving up on perfectionism but still try to do an 'excellent'”

acceptance plays a big part, acceptance that even doing your best may not get you what you want. acceptance doesn't mean giving up, it just frees you from the downside of striving, which can be constant anxiety and it allows you to see more clearly and get on with your life

Indeed, thank you for this. For as long as I can remember my mindset has been one of fear and anxiety linked to striving to reach the image I had in my mind of what I wanted to be, and the life I wanted to live.
Since starting my mindfulness practice I see now that striving to achieve something, is very different to just attempting to achieve something. While both striving and attempting require action, the former carries with it both the risk and reward of non-achievement/achievement. I had grown addicted to the thrill of achievement, without considering how taxing the process had become.

you can still have goals and aims in life but they don't involve the same do or die attitude attached to them

Indeed, I look forward to slowly but surely replacing this mindset while retaining my need for goal orientation, while losing the rigid expectations that accompany the need to “live the dream”.

Success, of course, is a relative concept.

"The one thing I regret is that I was too busy getting to the next thing to actually experience properly what was going on."

Ah yes, I have just started to listen to an abridged version of Full Catastrophe Living and one of the many quotes from JKZ that has resonated with me is that mindfulness is arguably one of the only activities that requires someone to not get somewhere, or achieve something in the future, but to merely pause and reflect in the moment. When framed like this you realise how wired we are towards living either in the past or in the future, and with that how predisposed we are to the inevitable suffering that comes with this mind-set.

One's "best" is a concept, fundamentally. If you're always striving for your best, then nothing is ever going to be good enough and peace of mind may always be elusive. There will always be a better "best". Meanwhile, the precious moment, all that we are, is gone.

This is true, this concept of a “better best” is at the heart of the literature that I, and many others have been consuming on mass. The irony that the words, concepts and theories that leave one feeling incredibly empowered in the moment have the potential for a latent negative impact when unachieved and/or when the bar is moved those few inches higher is clear, and I wonder why I didn’t see this then: perhaps I didn’t want to out of fear and judgement.

"Security" is also a relative term. Of course, we want our loved ones to be comfortable, secure. Quite often, the ones we love don't feel so secure or so loved because we're out there striving to make things better and better, and we're not spending enough time and energy in loving ourselves and those closest to us. We spend too much time in our own heads. There's a whole universe out there, if only we are able to take pause and relish it in the moment by moment. When you stop, pause, look, listen, it's so beautiful. In the moment, which is the only moment we have, the only moment we can be sure about, there is no fear if we can only realise that.

Beautiful, thank you Jon! While this will no doubt require practice on my part, I have started to experience the beauty and calmness of the present moment, all be it fleetingly. While I have quite a few home truths I have to work through which have been programmed into my pshyche over the last 32 years, I look forward to making steady progress in my ability to always come back to the present moment and enjoy its splendour, wonder and beauty.

Nomad, please stick around this forum. Your contributions are most welcome.
Gareth has created a wonderful thing here. We are now a self-supportive, non-profit mindfulness community. There is nothing else like it in the known world. Like any community, the strength of it is entirely dependent upon the commitment of its members. Let's all pitch in and make our world a better place. In a non-striving, compassionate way!

I shall indeed Jon, this is a wonderful place. As Gareth has mentioned in his posts across this site, the potential for everyday mindfulness to be something truly special as the practice of mindfulness spreads across the world is quite exciting and empowering. I look forward to actively contributing to the discussion as I continue my practice.

Sincerely,
Nomad