Borderline, anxiety, depression and mindfulness

[wisehedgecrone]

Hi - I suffer from anxiety and depression and have been diagnosed with Borderline at the tender age of 59 (I'm now 60, as of yesterday!). I don't self-harm or engage in reckless behaviour - unless you count buying clothes and books online reckless - it's partly mood swings (but not with the 'up' bits, unfortunately) a poor sense of self, feelings of inadequacy and tendency to compare with others (almost always unfavourably) - that's just for starters. I am trying to establish Mindfulness in my daily life, but don't find it easy to meditate for longer than 15-20 mins - my mind is all over the place and I end up feeling the whole session must have been pointless if I've spent it obsessing, worrying or thinking painful thoughts rather than following the breath. I also find non-judgment of my anxiety and anxious or unpleasant thoughts very difficult - I despise myself for having them about others and try to hide or disguise them for fear of harming anyone. Am I wasting my time with Mindfulness? I want to believe it will help me accept myself as I am, but as I don't like myself, it's like baling out the sea with a thimble.

[FeeHutch]

Hello and welcome to our community.
I wonder if a book and guided meditation CD like Finding Peace In A Frantic World might help? The practice builds up slowly and the course is very firmly routed in accepting that minds wander and that it is OK.

Mindfulness can be very helpful but it is not a miracle cure and for most of us not everything clicks into place at once so don't give up hope. Another option is to consider finding a Mindfulness course near you and engage face to face with a teacher and others starting their Mindfulness journey. With your borderline (personality disorder?), anxiety and depression it may also be wise to see if you can be supported by a professional such as your GP and/or counsellor.

But most of all, you are not on your own here. We all have questions and I firmly believe the only daft question is the one you didn't ask so please feel free to read and post. If a question has been asked and answered before it can be helpful but it can also feel different for you. Make yourself at home and I look forward to chatting to you.

[BioSattva]

I end up feeling the whole session must have been pointless if I've spent it obsessing, worrying or thinking painful thoughts rather than following the breath. I also find non-judgment of my anxiety and anxious or unpleasant thoughts very difficult - I despise myself for having them about others and try to hide or disguise them for fear of harming anyone.

If you hadn't done the meditation at all, odds are that you wouldn't have noticed these habits. These 'traps' the mind falls into - like mine does every day - are like dodgy ground in the territories we like to pass through on a regular basis. As soon as we know where the pitfalls are we remember for next time. Imagine the landscape of your mind was a real landscape in which you had noticed some potentially dangerous features - would that knowledge benefit you in your regular journeys in that area do you think? It helps me to avoid certain areas which used to create unnecessary stress, I'm pretty sure of that.

You seem to know quite a bit about yourself already from mindfulnes meditation. Why not continue? Knowledge is power. Watch it all - day in, day out, and you'll soon get bored of the same old movie and things will settle more. Part of the accepting is accepting the not accepting which inevitably comes up in meditation and routine life - all 'grist for the mill' as one teacher likes to say.

[JonW]

Hello wisehedgecrone. Welcome.
I echo what Fee and Bio have already said.
I do think it's worth seriously considering doing the 8-week course, either by following the Mark Williams/Danny Penman book or by signing up to a class run by a reputable teacher. I did both when I started out on my mindful adventure and I feel that they gave me a solid grounding that has proven to invaluable in my practice.
As Bio says, mindfulness can take some time to settle in. Some take to it quicker than others. It does require discipline and sometimes it might be that one needs to freshen up one's practice.
I do hope you stick with it and that it brings you many benefits. As Fee says, we're a friendly bunch here and we'll always do our best to help out when we can.
Hope to chat with you soon.
My best wishes,
Jon

[Gareth]

Hello,

I remember a topic of yours from way back when, when we were trying to get the forum going. Thanks for sticking around!

I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to be so hard on yourself. The fact that you are managing 15 minutes per day is great I reckon. In the beginning I use to practise for 10 minutes per day, and it was like torture for my brain which was constantly yelling at me: "is it over yet?"

Like others have said, mindfulness is no silver bullet for your problems and nor will it work over night. I would be very surprised if continual practice didn't help you at least in some small way. Every mind is different, and the benefits that one person gets from mindfulness are likely to be different than the next person gets.

I am going to ask some more experienced people to take a look at this topic, maybe they will have some good advice we haven't thought of.

[Happy Buddha]

Hello there, I am not sure meditating by yourself may be the best thing right now. There is a right time for everything and perhaps now is not the time but if you want to continue maybe cutting the time down to 5/10 minutes as 15/20 can be rather long for many of us.

I am not saying you should not practice but I would try to find an experienced teacher or even a therapist sympathetic to mindfulness in whom you trust.

If we have a painful experience it is so easy to practice mindfulness with the unconscious desire to get rid of our pain or to get away from it in some way. This is not helpful.

There are no magic words or even practices so please be as kind to yourself as you can and it is not a defeat to slow the process down and deal with things at a pace that is good for you, wishing you well, happy buddha

[piedwagtail91]

i'd agree with all of the above but suggest with the way you're feeling at the moment that getting on an 8 week course with a mindfulness teacher to talk to and a group to meditate with may be very beneficial, just until you get the hang of things and start to feel a little better about yourself.
as the others have said try to go easy on yourself, i know from long personal experience that that isn't easy. it took me around 12 months to go from a lot of self hate and harm to being able to accept things as they are.

[Vixine]

Hi wisehedgecrone
You are definitely not wasting your time with mindfulness! In fact, I am not sure if this is how you came to mindfulness originally, but Dialectical Behavior Therapy seems to be very helpful for a lot of people who have that diagnosis of borderline (and always remember that diagnoses are just labels and do not define you entirely) but that does include mindfulness. When you have a lot of ups and downs in emotions, and even some volatility, mindfulness practice can be very helpful. Though it takes a lot of time and it's sometimes difficult to accept that when you have a big goal you are hoping to achieve through the practice. If you haven't already, it might be helpful to read a little about DBT.