Hello all. Mindfulness autobio le do thoil

[Quietman]

I am 70 now. For most of my life I was a selfish and largely unpleasant guy (hoping I'm not now). I wont go into how in detail...it should be enough to know that I made myself and those around me unhappy. I always had a tendency towards things psychological and ended up taking a BA in the subject. Followed that by studying Ericksonian hypnotherapy. Practised for a year before abandoning it due to inability to make a living. That is my history in terms of what might have predisposed me towards mindfulness.
Any road up, as my mother never said, (she was Irish), I was in and out of spiritual think over my lifetime...passing interest in Buddhism without ever being arsed to get properly into it. I liked the concepts etc etc.
My hitting on my family came to a head about 2 years ago when I roundly insulted and threatened my son-in-law and he having his 6 month old son in his arms. We were on holiday in Wales. That was it! My lovely wife could take no more of it and I was told to feck off home for myself and that we would not be carrying on after she got back. On the train I bought a bottle of vodka, got very drunk, got a rope and, I'm fairly sure, determined to kill myself. Things happened and I'm writing now.
Upshot was that my wife didn't leave me and I went on a course of Cognitive BT. All of this is to give you a flavour of where I was emotionally.
Around and about that time (my memory is not brilliant) what really got me focussed on mindfulness was an experience that I had in my local park on a summer afternoon. I understand it to be an epiphany type feeling...tiny, looking at a tree and suddenly seeing a leaf. About 10 secs but profoundly moving.
Took a mindfulness course with Talking Therapy folk. Great. Came across John Cleese on Utube advising about creativity and how it could be practised as a process similar in some respects to mindfulness. Cobbled that into the mindfulness and since then rock-and-roll. All good despite mindfulness teacher's concern that some aspects of my newly acquired good feeling could be construed as psychotic within the rational model of mind. Asked her to trust me. Cracking on with it now.
How do I feel? Waking up every morning
Iliterally unable to believe my luck. Goes against all conditioning. No such thing as a free lunch blah blah. What a lunch!! Doesn't kick off immediately after waking and vwry slight in the evening times (TV etc) but once mind right then into it for day. Cool days. Easy, relaxed, head working better than ever before. Have to learn to shut my gob because folk are uneasy with it. My wife and I are both atheists and she said that there was an evangelistic feel to my carry-on. A bit shocking. A good measure of quality insight popping up so I have a strong urge to be yakking about it. Not good and struggling to tone it down. I think that I am managing that despite this diatribe and believe me this is the bare bones. I could talk for Ireland on my experience . So much that is unexpected. When I slip away from it during the day I have to remind myself how easy it is in order to get back!! Doesn't make sense, that. It should cos I reckon sense is mother to rationality but that child grew too big.
Anyway thanks for reading the rant.

Peace,

Quietman LOL

[JonW]

Thanks for sharing, Quietman.