Getting back to mindfulness initiated by Buddhist ideas and some general gratitude

[CamZhu]

Hello all,

I would like to explain the formative experiences that led me to contemplate what mindfulness is and how I came to use it in my life. A while ago I wrote something similar on Reddit and asked the Buddhist forum for their thoughts on whether I should pursue Buddhism. Not many were forthcoming, the few that answered suggested I continue to read and practice, which I guess was fair enough.

Well, just over ten years ago, I read a book called ‘What the Buddha taught’ whilst travelling in Malaysia. Two notions, in particular, struck me as very profound teachings. The doctrine of ‘no soul’ was the first of these that my mind attempted to come to terms with. My interpretation is that the idea is simple in that it says there is nothing eternal or everlasting existing within us that we can point to. Prior to this I had on some level always believed I had a soul even if I wouldn’t have called myself a Christian.

Several other passages in the book challenged me further. I was captivated by the idea of ‘conditioned genesis’. I think the concept is fairly long winded to explain but essentially I understood it as follows; our lack of knowledge of the actual nature of reality traps us in a cycle of suffering through which our conditioned consciousness arises.

At the time of reading, I tried to reason with the concepts but the more I thought about arising consciousness, the more I became aware of the constructed nature of my own self. What could be the core and unchanging thing that bound my personality together? I thought it may be a combination of memory and mental faculties that directed how I made decisions. If this was so, it was hard to suggest that I was anything more than the sum of the parts. My self could only be a creation; any idea of ‘I’ was a construct produced by my body and personality interacting with other bodies and personalities through events in the world.

It was shortly after digesting these concepts that it hit me - I felt for the first time ever like I didn’t exist, and it felt peaceful. It was as if I had been liberated from some unseen and unknown force that had held me back without my awareness of it. The best analogy I can think of is being so used to a background noise that you do not notice its presence, but when it suddenly stops you notice the lack of sound. I was noticing the lack of a central self to my being and through noticing I was suddenly overcome by appreciation. On a day-to-day basis, I felt more mindful and began to appreciate each breath I drew into my body and each breath I expelled back into the air around me.

I've somewhat lost that sort of free mindfulness that I had then and now I'm really having to work on it to be in the present. I don't know if its age or the amount of distraction introduced into my life, or maybe both? Over the time that has elapsed since, I have continued to be interested in Buddhist ideas and practises, although I would never describe myself as a Buddhist. Living in a Western culture I can't escape the underpinnings of Christianity and out of personal interest, I also like dabbling in Taoist and Confucian notions of ways to be in the world. I guess I am spiritually fickle.

Anyways, what I wanted to get around to saying is that I'm glad that I've found this forum and the Everyday Mindfulness site, that there is a place for secular mindfulness, and it has forms and adherents. I wish you all the best.

Thanks for reading.

[JonW]

Hi Cam,
It sounds like you are on an interesting journey.
However, Buddhism isn't the only way of exploring these areas. Writers/teachers like Joan Tollifson, Susan Murphy, Robert Saltzman and Darryl Bailey all explore from a secular POV. All highly recommended, as are Robert Wolfe, David Carse, Tim Freke, Steve Hagen, Jeff Foster, Barry Magid, Puma Chodron, Toni Packer, Alan Watts, Matthieu Ricard and Charlotte Joko Beck. Watts' The Book: On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are was a game-changer for me.
I particularly love Darryl Bailey's online talks, which are all free. Start with these two - http://www.darrylbailey.net/talks1/
Bailey's two books, Dismantling The Fantasy and Essence Revisited, are both indispensable, in my opinion. Clear, concise, and cutting through all the spiritual bs that tends to get in the way when people are discussing this stuff - especially with regard to 'belief'.
I'd also recommend the YouTube talks by Paul Hedderman whose approach is highly energised, though something of an acquired taste.
I'd also highly recommend the poems of Mary Oliver.
Happy travels!
Best wishes,
Jon