I wrote this blog over a year ago, and I thought I’d refresh it and give it another run out. MS is the reason that I found mindfulness, so I choose to view it as a positive thing in my life, because mindfulness has given me so much more than MS has taken away…….
I have MS; it is now fairly obvious that it is of the progressive variety. I have had symptoms on and off since 2006, but in 2009 the symptoms came back and have gradually been getting worse ever since. Being diagnosed with MS is, as you’d imagine, a traumatic and hyper-stressful experience. I am still a relatively young man, but all of a sudden the future that I had imagined for myself was taken away from me. I was pretty much a wreck: anxious, stressed out, prone to long periods of melancholy, generally living life as a victim. Somehow, I managed to snap myself out of that, and I undertook a series of lifestyle changes that were recommended to me. One of those recommendations was meditation, meant to help with stress relief. I didn’t even know what meditation was, so I picked up a book called “Wherever You Go, There You Are,” by Jon Kabat-Zinn to assist me. Kabat-Zinn first introduced me to this concept of mindfulness. The rest, as they say is history.
The idea behind mindfulness is that you train yourself in living in the present through a persistent daily practice; this practice is identical to the ancient practice of meditation. I began meditation, which wasn’t an unpleasant process, although completely alien to me. My practice was short and ad-hoc at first, but it did begin to make me feel a bit better about myself, in a way that was difficult to put my finger on. I decided to lengthen my practice and make it every day. From that point on, the benefits became simply extraordinary.
Mindfulness has effected a complete and utter transformation in my life. One that is difficult to comprehend for something that is completely free and bewilderingly simple. Mindfulness is something and it is nothing at the same time; it simply means paying attention. Paying attention to the five senses that most human beings have. All you have to do is listen to the music or feel your breathing to be mindful. In fact, any human being has the ability to be mindful, and does it everyday. If it is this easy, then what is the problem?
Because there is a flipside to this coin. The opposite of mindfulness is mindlessness. Mindlessness is just as easy as mindfulness – if not easier. Mindlessness means not paying attention to your senses and being lost in thought. You all must have had those journeys where you get to the destination and you can’t recall any of the journey whatsoever. That’s because you were lost in thought for the whole journey, and you weren’t paying attention to the messages sent to you by your senses. Mindlessness is quite dangerous, it is responsible for those dark places that you often go. It is responsible for crippling anxiety. It is responsible for the majority of unhappiness.
In mindfulness meditation, we spend a little time each day practising being in the present moment and just paying attention to the five senses. Whenever thoughts creep in (they undoubtedly will), we simply acknowledge them and escort the attention back to the object of our focus. Unfortunately, I think that mindfulness drains away as quickly as you cultivate it, and a regular practice is therefore needed. There is something about modern life that makes it difficult to live in the moment. I believe that you need to practise this on a regular if not daily basis to maintain a mindful outlook on life. This simple practice has slowly but surely had a profound effect on my life.
The benefits of greater mindfulness are not limited to the ones I mention here, but there are some which I think are particularly crucial in living with severe, chronic health problems. I will try and outline them here:
Having progressive MS means that my future is a dark and barren place; it really is best to spend as little time there as possible. During my meditations, I spend a whole lot of time noticing thoughts and letting them go. Because I practise this a lot, it means that I really am getting quite good at it. On countless occasions, I notice my mind starting to tell me the wheelchair or the blindness story. I just notice that thought and let it go, coming back to whatever it is that I am doing. In the past, I have dwelt in these dark places for far too long. Not going to these places has had an enormous positive effect on my wellbeing.I am still here after all, and there are so many positive things in my life that it is better to focus on.
In the same way that mindfulness allows me to go to the future on my own terms, the same applies to the past. I remember a wedding that I went to in 2010, people were dancing. I was starting to have mobility problems at this stage, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get up and dance. I started telling myself stories about how things were better in the past when I could enjoy dancing at weddings. I entered a deep melancholy which lasted most of the night. This simply wouldn’t happen any more. If I were to notice my mind going into these melancholy places, then I would simply bring myself back to the present moment. This is such an effective tool in managing your own feelings and emotions.
Could mindfulness be having an effect on the physical progression of this disease? I have been asking myself that for a while now. All I can say is that I have only ever read that stress is a very bad thing for MS, and I honestly live now with a life that is almost stress-free. I am also anxiety-free, I sleep much better and I have a profound sense of wellbeing that nothing seems to shake. Experts have shown that mindfulness training can make a physical difference to the brain. Why not the body? Who knows?
In my opinion, this should be the first thing that the NHS teaches to somebody who is diagnosed with MS – any chronic illness for that matter. This can make much more of a difference to people’s lives than the expensive, imperfect drugs that they currently pay for. The difference in me before and after mindfulness is like night and day. If I can benefit this much from mindfulness practice, then surely other people can benefit too. My body is broken in several fundamental ways, but I don’t think that I have ever been happier or more at peace in my whole life.
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Excellent post. It is amazing to realise how much mindlessness your brain engages in when you stop and listen to it. Like the new look website as well!
I loved reading your story hear Gareth. Inspirational. I have arthritis, mostly the pain is in my spine although when its cold I feel it in my bones. It is liveable of course, anyway on walking to work today and feeling particularly stiff, I recalled reading somewhere, probably in jon Kabat Zinns books that the body being sick is not YOU dont let your pains control you, observe the pains , like your body is a glove and the real you is ok, don’t know if that makes sense.
What a moving story Gareth. I don’t have a chronic illness to deal with myself but I can already, after just 3 weeks, recognise the power of mindfulness for making life more tolerable and enjoyable. My father has numerous painful chronic health problems and I’d like to introduce him to mindfulness because I’m sure it would help him a lot too. But I can imagine he’d be very resistant to this kind of ‘therapy’ – I think maybe using the NHS endorsement might help him consider it though … All the best to you
Gareth,
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. I stumbled across your website only today, as I am starting to work with mindfulness more seriously to overcome chronic pain and related obsessive thinking. When i have used it, i have found it to be of immense benefit, and need to now make it part of my daily routine. Your story and successes are a real inspiration. Well done on the website and best wishes.
Thanks for all your comments. Life throws a multitude of bad stuff at us; chronic illness is just one of them. Mindfulness gives us the capacity to handle this bad stuff and go on living. It honestly feels like the nuclear bomb, whereas the other things that I have done to live with my MS are just small-arms fire.
This thing is so good that I am prepared to dedicate my life to promoting it to other people.
Great post. I used to meditate a lot more and intend to get back into it in 2013. Glad I came across your post today. Have you ever tried the Holosync audio for meditation? It’s pretty cool. Their focus is ‘using precise sounds to alter a listener’s state of mind.’ I like it, thought I’d mention it. Best, Christie
Hi Gareth, you wrote a nice story. Perhaps you read mine. Like I wrote, for now, it helps me to ‘handle’ <MS. I never thought of the physical effect. That would be great! But for now, handling it, being happy is great for me;-) Love, Ilja
What an excellent blog, and very well written. I totally agree that the NHS should be putting more resources into providing mindfulness courses for people diagnosed with chronic illnesses and for those with chronic (unexplained and explained) pain. I have palindromic rheumatism (a kind of inflammatory arthritis that is extremely unpredictable) and was diagnosed 8 years ago. When I asked my GP for a referral to a pain management course, she told me that they only did this AFTER THEY’D TRIED ALL THE PAINKILLERS FIRST!
I ended up paying to go on a mindfulness (living with pain and illness course) and it really made such a profound difference to my ability to cope. As you say, it is much easier on your mind NOT to spend the time worrying about what the pain will do tomorrow or next week or next year. Especially with an unpredictable and little studied condition such as mine. When my pain is so bad that I cannot cope any more, I allow myself the time and space to feel it and experience it (crying a lot usually!) but do not add on layers of worry and anxiety by thinking about how long it might last. I also make the effort to enjoy the positive things much more, trying to be as much in the moment then too. It’s not easy. the mind has a habit of being very active – especially mine – but that’s why it’s called practice! the more we practice, the better able we are to do. Keep up the blog. Love it. 🙂
Ruth
Thanks for you words Gareth.
The impact of your sharing will be rich.
My 25 year old son has MS, the progressive type, and was diagnosed two weeks after he turned 18. He is wheelchair bound now and quite disabled, but has an amazing attitude to the challenges he has faced and to life in general.
I felt connected to you through hearing of your experiences and the similarities with my son.
I also work in an area where Mindfulness is of the essence, and know of its value and the discipline and belief required to live it.
Thanks again and every good wish to you.
Pauline
Hello. I have had relapsing/remitting MS for the past 15 years. Five months ago I had to have a knee replacement surgery and since then the MS has changed dramatically and I’ve been really struggling. I have new symptoms of spasticity and burning pain. We’ve tried a variety of medications which only temporarily helped but then I couldn’t deal with the side effects. I was recommended to mindfullness stress reduction by a pain specialist and I took a series of classes but I just couldn’t seem to “get it.” I truly believe this could be a key to helping me feel better and have a fuller life than I have now which revolves around my illness and frantic attempts to get better. I’ve purchased several books but I think I need something in audiobook or CD form as I am having cognition problems as well. Can you recommend any audiobooks or CD’s that would be helpful from your experience? Thanks
I recommend you come along to our forum, tell us what you have said here. We will give you support ourselves and help you to find a book/course that is helpful for you.